WWN Horoscopes


Aries March 21 – April 19

That dull aching pain in your lower right leg is actually pretty serious, but I know how you are about spoiler alerts so I’ll leave it to the doctor to tell you.

Taurus April 20 – May 20

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Gemini May 21 – June 20

Don’t worry buying a boat isn’t a cliched sign of a mid-life crisis, don’t listen to those idiots. However, the ponytail, the ear piercing, the listening to ‘hip band Coldplay’ and going for a jog are most definitely signs.

Cancer June 21 – July 22

Let’s play a game: what rhymes with meth? That’s right death and guess who will suffer such a thing shortly? No not you, don’t be so narcissistic – the entire human race will end on Wednesday.

Leo July 23 – August 22

This week you will mostly be trying to get a decent wifi connection in the spare room of your house.

Virgo August 23 – September 22

This week you will mostly be ignored by people as you try to discuss how awesome the Super Bowl was.

Libra September 23 – October 22

Pluto takes its revenge this week after being declared a dwarf planet several years ago, its revenge takes a truly terrifying form by giving you a flat tyre on the way into work on Friday.

Scorpio October 23 – November 21

Mars changes its orbit this week causing your love life a number of problems. The local Tesco only stocks the small tubs of Ben and Jerrys meaning you might have to watch Love Actually on your own with a smaller-than-usual ice cream supply.

Sagittarius November 22 – December 21

Your belief in a higher power will be put to the test this month after your UPC box erases all your recordings just for the craic.

Capricorn December 22 – January 19

I can’t believe you’re still checking back here expecting some good news, you’re a glutton for punishment aren’t you? This week you will switch bodies with a dog in a science experiment gone wrong. Agony awaits you as you can’t quite reach your crotch to lick it real good.

Aquarius January 20 – February 18

Your flight from North Africa goes to plan this week. However, you’re sister and brother don’t make it back after dying of exhaustion over France, which isn’t bad news either, considering ye where three sparrows sharing a nest together in Ireland.

Pisces February 19 – March 20

This week you will mostly be fighting off the urge to have takeaway for dinner every night.