Recently Dumped Man To Pretend He’s Emigrating Abroad In Bid To Win Back Ex

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“That’s it, I’ve had enough of this shit. I’m off to Thailand,” exclaimed Dermot Casey to a packed Holden’s bar, where his ex-girlfriend, Orla, also just happened to work.

The shocking news comes just five weeks after the 22-year-old was dumped by the bar worker after a litany of creepy, and somewhat abusive texts, accusing her of flirting with other men while working.

“I’ve made my mind up now; there’s nothing for me here,” he added, wallowing in the now eerie silence which blanketed his local bar. “Gonna fuck all around me and get mashed outavit! No ones going to stop me going if they tried.”

Urged to sit down by his friends, the emotional Mr. Casey forced back the tears as he made his way to the bar to order another round, despite already having two full bottles of Bulmers in front of him.

“I think you’ve had enough,” replied bar owner Thomas Holden, who was quite aware of the whole ‘break-up situation’.

Tommy repeated for the fourth weekend in a row that he would be on a plane out of Ireland tomorrow while insisting it was not a threat, but was definitively happening and added that if any ex-girlfriends were to ask him to stay he definitely wouldn’t. 

Ushered back to his table by long-time pal Gerry Murphy, the normally functioning adult’s eyes began to well with tears.

“I love her Gerry boy!” he gasped, a little too loudly. “She fucking broke my heart man. All I asked her was if she was sleeping with someone else”.

“But Dermot, you asked her everyday for two years man. That shit ain’t healthy, you’know?” replied Murphy, who just happened to catch a flirtatious smile from his friend’s ex-girlfriend.

“I’m pretty sure she was faithful to you man. You were maybe just a little too possessive?”

The full-time son of two agreed with his friend, secretly picking up the phone again to text ‘I’m sorry’, followed by a lengthy list of promises he’ll keep if they get back together, including: ‘I will never ask you to do the bum stuff anymore, I promise’.

However, time was called by the publican and another chance at getting her back was gone.

“I don’t care, there’s plenty of mots in Thailand anyway!” he finally shouted at the counters direction while exiting the pub. “At least they don’t mind the whole bum thing over there”.

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