Dublin Teen Wondering What Track-Suit He Should Wear To Court


A DUBLIN teenager due in court later today in relation to a brutal assault, which saw a 78-year-old grandmother fighting for her life is spending this morning wondering if he should wear his black Adidas trackie bottoms with his white Le Coq Sportif top, or go to his all-blue Nike two-piece instead.

Macauley Shannon, 17, is accused of attacking the pensioner in November of last year, and robbing her of the 43 euro she had in her purse at the time.

Shannon, who hails from a disadvantaged area of Dublin city and uses that as an excuse as to why he has 74 previous convictions for assault and robbery, is expected to be found guilty in today’s sitting of Dublin’s Criminal Courts, but will likely get away with a suspended sentence as usual.

As such, the incorrigible young scoundrel wishes to be dressed in his finest leisure wear so that he can go have a few cans by the canal to celebrate.

“Sitting waiting to be called is a pain in the hole, so comfortable clothing is a must,” said Shannon, who frequently updates his wardrobe by robbing Champion Sports.

“Showing up in a suit is out, because you don’t want them to think you’re actually taking any of this seriously. And you want to make sure that you don’t wear football jerseys; there’s too many people who show up in them, and if the judge see’s more than three in a row he can get cranky as fuck and start handing out actual sentences”.

“One time I showed up wearing my Celtic jersey, only to see ten other scumbags sitting in the waiting room wearing the exact same thing. It looked like the Hoops’ first team had been hit with a fucking death ray”.

With no real system in place to deal with persistent repeat offenders and jails across the country near maximum capacity, Shannon will continue his life of crime while dressed in the finest sportswear available for the foreseeable future.