Jogging On The Spot At Traffic Lights Without Looking Like A Dickhead Still Years Away
FOLLOWING years of research, scientists at one of the world’s largest sport research facilities have admitted that they are still years away from perfecting a method for joggers to continue their momentum while waiting for traffic lights, without looking like a complete spanner.
The news comes as thousands of people across the world attempt to begin a new fitness regime, with many novice runners hitting the streets for the first time.
As these joggers negotiate city streets, they are routinely faced with the issue of pedestrian crossings at traffic junctions, at which point they must stop jogging, risking a loss of momentum which can lead to them saying “fuck this” and turning for home.
To counteract this pitfall, many keep hopping up and down on the spot while waiting for the lights to change, drawing derisive looks from motorists and pedestrians alike, who mock the joggers for looking like total dickheads.
“We’ve searched for years for a solution to this problem,” said Dr. Carlos Pastaval, head of dickhead-prevention at the California Institute of Sports Science. “But sadly, there is no way to maintain your running buzz while waiting at lights. In the past, we’ve advised people to maybe use the downtime to stretch their calves, or check their stopwatch, but all of these activities put them into dickhead country as well”.
“It’s a sad fact that fat fucks who don’t jog will always find a way to mock those who do, and the traffic junction is the perfect place for them to do so. Until we come up with a method that doesn’t add to the derision, we advise those who wish to run in town to plan a route with as few stops as possible, or maybe just time themselves to hit the junction at a green light”.
Dr. Pastaval went on to say that the problem of waiting at junctions does not apply to cyclists, as they rarely obey traffic lights to begin with.