Juice Diet Sparks Verbal Diarrhoea Epidemic


MEDICAL experts are today warning that a new juice diet craze sweeping the nation may be the cause of several unwanted side-effects, most notably a severe dose of verbal diarrhoea.

The Juice Diet, in which regular meals are replaced by glasses of pulped fruit, has been adopted by thousands of people across the country as they use the New Year to delude themselves into eating healthy for the rest of their lives.

However, new figures coming in from the families, friends and co-workers, suggest that the strict eating regime is causing large amounts of verbal diarrhoea in those who have adopted the Juice Diet, with many reporting that after only a few days on the plan, their loved ones are incapable of doing anything other than talking shit.

“Every sentence begins with the words ‘I’ve started this new Juice Diet'” wept Colin McKeown, whose wife Sheila began juicing on the 1st of January, mere hours before chronic verbal diarrhoea set in.

“She can’t talk about anything else. It’s involuntary; she just opens her mouth and all this shit about juices and vitamins and calories and cleansing… It’s becoming unbearable”.

Mr. McKeown’s sentiments were echoed by brokers at a Dublin accountancy firm, as they gave details of their co-workers juice detox plan and subsequent torrent of pure waffle.

“There’s him over there now, God Love him,” said Una Malone, secretary at Higgins and Ryan Accountants and co-worker to Mick Quinn, avid Juice Dieter.

“All he wanted to do was lose a few pounds after Christmas, so he bought himself a juicer in the sales. In less than a week, the poor lad contracted acute verbal diarrhoea. We don’t even ask him how his diet is going, but the poor lad is incapable of shutting the fuck up about it”.

Dieticians have advised anyone worried about the verbal diarrhoea from a friend or loved one who is on a Juice Diet to remain supportive of them until they switch back to their normal diet of sandwiches and crisps in a week’s time.