5 Things Your Arse Is Doing Behind Your Back

Ever wondered what your arse gets up to behind your back? Of course you have and as always WWN beats out its rivals to bring you, our readers, the latest entry in the 21st century’s greatest achievement – the easily digestible internet list.

1 – Unlikely though it may seem, the arse (Latin name clunis, Irish name arsetallach) has been a mainstay on the human body since its inception and it doesn’t look like it’s going anywhere any time soon. One of the big mysteries about the arse of course, is whether or not is has the ability to think independently from your brain. WWN can confirm after a little bit of research via another website, we robbed from, that, yes, your buttocks think independently of you, often motioning to passersby by moving up and down in a hypnotic lilting fashion as you walk. Popular gestures by the arse include the ‘boogie woogie’ which indicates it is aroused.

2 – The arse really is the next step in human evolution. Much like the rear bumper of fancy car, the buttocks emit a loud and pronounced beeping noise which is rarely heard by the human ear as it backs into a seating position. You’ve likely never heard it, but behind your back, the arse warns fellow humans of the incoming rump.

3 – Famously passive aggressive, the arse often elongates itself in social situations when it feels it is being neglected by its owner. This elongation often results in items being knocked clean off tables, bringing them crashing to the ground and causing much embarrassment. This discovery was made in 1999, as part of research conducted at MIT in America, but still to this day many people are unaware of the arse’s capabilities.

4 – The arse is responsible for an increase in phone bills. Historically speaking phone bills are now at an all time high due to the arse’s propensity toward dialing any and all contacts in your phone once it is placed in your back pocket. It is not yet known why your arse is so drawn to human conversation, after all it’s only form of communication is ill-timed bursts of rapid fire farting when in a cramped space filled with people. However, what is almost a certainty is that the arse becomes aroused by the sonorous bleating of your Ex who has no clue why you’ve stayed on the phone for 5 minutes in complete silence.

5 – Arses are known to be duplicitous and sly. This is no different when it comes to the historical achievements of the arse. The tenth King of England was an arse. Historians once put Henry IV’s arse-like looks down to the poor standard of painting and portraiture amongst artists at the time, but in recent years the evidence has been reassessed to confirm that one of England’s former rulers was comprised wholly of arse. Henry IV was famous for throwing up at formal occasions in what was once thought to be part of his rude and boisterous nature. Now with today’s historical light shone upon his legacy, it appears he simply suffered from explosive diarrhea. It is thought as many as 1 in 3 human arses are posing as real humans, passing by unnoticed in everyday life.