Aries March 21 – April 19

A deli-assistant will put the ham in last in your roll on Friday, triggering a psychotic episode where you leave twelve dead and forty four injured in one of the country’s most gruesome food related massacres.

Taurus April 20 – May 20

This week you will discover that the staff at Dominos are on first name terms with you. This is a new low, even for you.

Gemini May 21 – June 20

This week your evil twin will return to wreak havoc in your life. Despite all your protests, your work colleague won’t believe that it wasn’t your shit in the toilet.

Cancer June 21 – July 22

You didn’t believe me last week when I said you’d get into Gangsta Rap but now, thanks to your conviction for fraud and your new cellmate Shifty, you know all about Lil Wayne.

Leo July 23 – August 22

This week you will get involved in a new hobby called stalking. Your ex-girlfriend will have as much time for this new hobby as she did your last one – crying and screaming ‘don’t leave me Jessica’.

Virgo August 23 – September 22

Due to ongoing maintenance, all Virgo’s are being asked to stay indoors for the next 7 days while we sort this constellation shit out.

Libra September 23 – October 22

Unbeknownst to you, your missing dog Sparky turns up in your number 43 with “special” fried rice order this Saturday night.

Scorpio October 23 – November 21

You will get a name in the office this week as the funny guy after naively referring to fog as ‘fallen down clouds’.

Sagittarius November 22 – December 21

The majority of this weekend will be spent shouting abuse at a panel of judges on a TV screen, forcing you to rethink your childhood dream of becoming a hit man.

Capricorn December 22 – January 19

Michael, if you’re reading this I’m sorry. I made a mistake. It was too early in our relationship to introduce butt plugs. I hope you read this and forgive me. Normal Capricorn service will resume next week.

Aquarius January 20 – February 18

This week you will come close to losing your mind when your friend suggests the last Indiana Jones movie was a masterpiece.

Pisces February 19 – March 20

The Islamic state of Syria has taken control of Pisces. Please convert to Islam before returning for next week’s predictions.