J1 Students Who Trashed House To Face Execution In US


BREAKING NEWS reaching Ireland today involves several Irish students on their J1 visas in America who are now awaiting execution on death row.

Events moved at a fast pace this morning as news first emerged regarding their disgusting behaviour. We spoke to the mother of one of the students involved in the incident.

The student’s mother went on to detail the circumstances around her son’s extradition to the US. She said the Taoiseach Enda Kenny knocked on the door at 7am this morning, stating that the still unnamed student would be extradited to the US immediately to face the death penalty.

“I’m distraught, my poor baby is sitting there in America waiting to be executed and there’s nothing I can do,” the mother said before dropping to her knee, her face etched with grief, “Enda said ‘if he did it in England, he’d have been grand, but we can’t risk any Americans not turning up here for a holiday’, I’m heartbroken”.

Many Irish citizens are still perplexed by a loophole in Irish law which states that ‘if an offence is committed against an American or on American soil you’d want to apologise fairly fucking lively’.

It is believed the loophole has been preserved by successive Governments due to the mildly irrational fear dating back to Medieval times that if Ireland was to make a holy show of itself in front of an American the sky would open up and swallow you whole.

Many Irish people are still coming to terms with the fact some selfish students would put the whole reputation of Ireland at risk by damaging a property they were renting in San Francisco.

The cabinet reconvened this afternoon to deal with this disastrous episode in Irish American relations. It is believed they took the decision to repossess the homes of all the students’ families and donated them to the affected landlady. It is also thought a ‘gift’ from the state totaling €23 million was donated to the landlady that was initially earmarked as funding for the treatment of orphaned Irish children with cancer.

A petition online to have the J1 students executed twice just to appease any angry Americans has so far received 400,000 signatures in the last seven minutes.