UNLIKE our news rivals, WWN is the people’s publication and where possible we seek to inform and help the public, using modern journalism’s most potent weapon: the list.
Sick of politicians sneaking into your house at night to fill up their kettles? Tired of Irish Water sending you backdated bills from as far back as 1971? Well WWN is here to help you avoid those water charges!
1. Cut up bits of newspaper headlines and write out a ransom letter, enclose a broken tap in the envelope and simply add ‘you’re next’. We’re not sure who exactly you should send it to but they’ll get the message loud and clear.
2. Become your local area’s ‘crazy cat lady’. If you take to adopting close to 50 cats and begin speaking in tongues when anyone approaches your house Irish Water workers will have no choice but to flee in terror before installing any water meter. Yes, you will alienate yourself from all friends and family, but you won’t have to pay those charges so really it’s worth it in the end.
3. Write a letter to your local council explaining that you have reached a higher plane of consciousness and have evolved to the point whereby water is no longer a basic requirement for your subsistence therefore there is simply no need to install a water meter on your house. Game, set and match you.
4. Create a new identity for yourself, forge a passport which reveals you are in fact a citizen of the lost city of Atlantis thus it is your sacred right to have access to free water. In actual fact you should be paid by Irish Water for their blatant stealing of your birthright.
5. While we have yet to see a case where this has worked, we still think it is worth a go: spend the next several years constantly moaning about water charges, leaving countless comments on Irish Water’s social media accounts and in the comment sections of any article mentioning Irish Water in the hope that eventually Irish Water will stop charging you in order to shut you up.
6. There really is no better way to avoid water charges than murdering an Irish Water employee and leaving his rotting corpse at the end of your driveway. Extreme? Yes. Too far? No, not at all.
7. Impersonating a famous person should help you to avoid paying those pesky charges. As we all know famous people get everything for free. Why not pop on a series of fabulous wigs and begin reading the latest news headlines from the comfort of your driveway. Surely no Irish Water worker would have the temerity to charge you, Anne Doyle, for use of your water.
8. If that first Irish Water worker murder didn’t do the trick I’m sorry, but a killing spree is your only answer.
9. Stand outside your house in the nip and recite the speech from Gladiator or Braveheart. Frantically waving your mickey around is advised. If this doesn’t work I think you’re probably going to have to face up to the reality of paying for your water eventually.
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