iPhone 6 To Give Wankers Something To Talk About



AS rumours persist that Apple will unveil the new iPhone 6 this September WWN can exclusively reveal this news has given the world’s wankers something to talk about.

The advent of the smartphone also ushered in the dawn of the ‘smartphone wanker’, an individual who mistakenly believes the release of the iPhone 5s.24 Purple Shiny Thing Limited Edition requires several hours of debate and examination, with this examination chiefly occurring on Twitter, Tumblr and Pinterest.

With news that the unveiling of the iPhone 6 is just around the corner, a great number of normally unbearable and plain boring people will elevate themselves above normal discourse to claim that Apple have probably reached their ‘Sistine Chapel moment’ with their new phone.

“You’ll always find them in the kitchen at parties,” explained anthropologist and smartphone wanker expert Warren Plunkett, “apparently the ambiance is just better there, and so is the wifi”.

Plunkett went on to explain that in lieu of a meaningful existence many smartphone wankers insist that the latest gadget or phone is actually more meaningful than existence.

WWN spoke to one smartphone wanker, Dylan O’Neill, to gauge his opinion on the new iPhone 6 and what it means for his wankerish ways.

“Well I think we can all get behind the maxim that ‘Pinterest is Best’ but let’s not get ahead ourselves as the move away from skeuomorphic design is like, fucking huge, and I think we’re still underestimating the fucking hugeness of it all – as it were,” shared self confessed tech nerd.

“Do I think a .5 inch bigger screen will be the biggest thing to happen to smartphones since someone previously made the screens slightly smaller than that on another occasion? Well, eh, duh. Yes, yes and can I have a side helping of more yes please? Thank you”.

O’Neill then spent the next 12 hours telling WWN what and who he thought would be the ‘next big thing’ in tech. The 32-year-old entrepreneur, envisioner, small stake holder in a post-ethical café, imaginator and Harvey Norman sales assistant then collapsed from exhaustion.