Gardaí Struggling To Perfect Good Cop, Bad Cop Routine
Gardaí are under the spotlight yet again following rumours that some members of the force have failed to perfect their ‘good cop, bad cop’ routine which has served police forces around the world so well for many years.
“It was not a problem we foresaw but we will address it in the coming months,” said Garda Commissioner Noirin O’Sullivan.
The revelations came to light after a member of the public and regular jail sentence acquirer Tomo Doyle criticised gardaí in his local Crumlin Garda station. Doyle was arrested in connection with a series of porcelain dog statue thefts in the area but maintains his innocence.
“I did fuck all and they having me there in the interrogation room like a criminal,” explained Doyle, who has 241 previous convictions, “the big fella came in and he was asking me how me kids were and that. Then he left, next minute the little fella comes in and starts telling me everything will be grand. Not a bad word to say about me, the pair of them. They were clueless”.
Doyle went on to criticise the lack of ‘slaps’ dished out by the officers and admitted he would think twice about committing a crime in the locality such was the gardaí’s poor good cop, bad cop performance.
Sergeant at the station Miles Drury confessed mistakes were made in the interview with Doyle.
“We’ve been lax on the training recently, but only because we’ve had bad experiences pushing the officers into these roles. We have one garda on leave because he went ‘full method’, after delivering a great curse filled speech to some 12-ear-old on a scrambler bike, he started being distant, smoking and drinking and wearing leather jackets. He both a vintage car and walks around chewing on a toothpick. You can’t push them too far, they are fragile,” explained Drury.
“Then you get some awful smiley bollocks doing the good cop routine, you’d ring them up at the start of the shift and they’re off teaching some scroats to read, trying to coax them out of a life of crime. It’s awful stuff really,” concluded the sergeant.
In some instances fellow gardaí have both told suspects the other officer is not to be trusted, and might have once kicked a man in the shin in a fit of wild anger thus creating an air of confusion in interviews.
Temporary measures have been put in place in lieu of proper training. Gardaí have been instructed to watch classic movies such as Tango and Cash, Turner and Hooch, Training Day and Serpico. Members of the force have also been told to attend amateur dramatics societies in the hope of upping the believability of their performances.
“We’re getting them to learn off speeches from movies, but even that is a stretch,” explained Commissioner O’Sullivan as she revealed several ‘good cops’ keep screaming Denzel Washington’s famous speech from Training Day during interviews.
“We can’t have the good cop shouting ‘King Kong ain’t got nothing on me’ at a 7-year-old shoplifter, it’s not good for the force’s image”.