“Suppose It’s Time To Start Hating My Republican Friends Again”, Sighs Loyalist Teenager
BELFAST teenager Ian Prendergast is yet again preparing to hate his Republican pals for the next few days, as the North readies itself for the Glorious Twelfth.
Hailing from a staunch Loyalist family, the 16-year-old, who has absolutely zero interest in the traditions of the Orange Order, will spend the 12th of July attending the parades and watching a massive bonfire with the flag of the “Fenian scum” on the top of it.
Celebrating the victory of Rangers supporter William of Orange over Celtic season ticket holder James II over three hundred years ago, the 12th of July has long been a source of sectarian conflict between Catholic and Protestant communities in Northern Ireland.
Under increasing pressure to conform tradition, Prendergast has spent the past week helping similarly disinterested Loyalist youths to erect a massive bonfire, instead of chilling out having a few cans with his non-practising Catholic pals.
“I’ve been hauling fucking pallets across the field all week, ” said Prendergast, speaking about the massive tower of firewood beside his home estate of Ballybeen.
“It’s just a massive pain in my hole. I’d rather be hanging out with the lads, but they’re Taigs so I kinda have to stay away from them during the marching season. By the time this all blows over, they’ll have gone through all the Squidgy Black they scored during the week. I’d love to say fuck it and not bother with any of this shit, but I’m told it’s our tradition so there’s nothing I can do”.
Like a lot of people born after the Good Friday agreement, Ian has inherited his sectarianism from the older members of his community, who have ignored medical studies which prove second-hand bigotry can be damaging to children.
In related news, Mr. Prendergasts close friend Sean Murphy is preparing to change his opinion of his pal from “sound lad” to “Jaffa bastard” for the next few days, in keeping with the rest of his staunch Republican community. Mr Murphy will agree with his fellow Catholics that the loyalist bonfires are “an absolute disgrace”, even if he thinks they’re pretty fucking impressive and he’d love to go to one.