Coast Guard Apologises For Rescuing Jedward


THE Skerries Coast Guard have this morning issued a full and frank apology following last night’s dramatic rescue of a stranded Jedward, after the much-tolerated pop duo became trapped by the tide on Malahide beach.

John and Edward, along with a young cousin, were walking along the sea when they became trapped on a sandbank by the rising sea. They contacted their mother Suzanna Grimes to seek help, who wisely chose to omit the fact that her sons were among the stricken group when ringing the Coast Guard for assistance. By the time the rescue team arrived at the scene a large crowd, drawn to the scene after recognising the twins trademark hairstyles, had gathered on the shore.

“I was out walking my dog and I spotted the high-haired heads of Jedward on the horizon” said Malahide native Jake Finn.

“Nobody else on the planet has hair like that. Everyone on the strand gathered to high-five each other as the water surrounded them. Then we heard the sound of the stupid idiot Coast Guard coming to rescue them, like total lick-arses. We tried to spell out a message on the beach with rocks, but by the time we had written “ABORT RESCUE IT IS JEDW” the helicopter had reached them”.

Realising their folly, the crew of the helicopter at first attempted to only rescue the young cousin who accompanied the two-time Eurovision contenders. However, both John and Edward, in a move that showed they aren’t as slow as people may believe, pointed out that there was room on the massive Sikorsky Search and Rescue chopper for more than one small boy.

“The incident last night will hopefully raise awareness about safety on the beach, ” said one member of Skerries Coast Guard, who did not wish to be named in fear of public reprisal.

“In Jedwards own words, they had been out for ‘a walk on the Jeach when they quickly became trapped on a Jandbank by the rising Jide’. They are still somewhat popular among the children of Ireland, so their ordeal last night will help teach a lesson to kids about staying safe on our coasts”.

“Of course”, he added. “If they hadn’t been rescued, it would have raised just as much awareness, if not more”.

Jedward, whose latest album “Jading Into Jobscurity” reached number 36 on the download charts, were unavailable for comment, but said to be thankful to the tide for putting them in the news for a day.