‘Wet Willy’ Attacks Up By 30% So Far This Year

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wet willy

Parents up and down the country have expressed their worry at news that ‘wet willy’ attacks are on the rise for the first time in a number of years.

Most worryingly for the media the ‘wet willy’ or Uda Mentula to give it its latin name occurs largely offline, making it more difficult to whip parents into a feverous frenzy.

“It seems for the large part to be a crime of impulse and opportunity,” explained Garda Gerry Lombard, “while we know teenagers today film and photograph about 93% of their daily lives now, the act of the wet willy is so off the cuff they simply don’t the time to film it.”

As many as 12,000 wet willy attacks have been reported to parents, the Gardaí and teachers this year. A lot of the perpetrators are said to know the victims and are often siblings.

“It’s not a laughing matter,” explained, concerned parent and founder of Parents Against Wet Willys (PAWW) Amanda Duggan, “if there was some way for the wet willy to occur on the internet we would have a better handle on it and all the news reports would have a quick shot of someone looking at a laptop and clicking a mouse but we just simply don’t have that. I live in fear my kids,” Amanda added.

A number of wet willy tutorials have been taken down from YouTube in an effort to crack down on the trend, but it shows no sign of slowing according to Garda Lombard.

“Last week we had a 14-year-old treated in A & E by the name of Paul after he got his finger lodged in his brother’s earhole, they had surgically removed Paul’s brother from his finger. Sadly, his brother did not survive,” an emotional Garda Lombard relayed to WWN.

People have been advised to cover their earholes any way they can whether it be placing their hands over their ears or putting cement in them or a bit of WD40 to seal them up entirely.

Those who carry out wet willy attacks are of course not immune to injury themselves with several having their finger’s snapped off as their victims jumped and jerked violently from the shock of it all.

Government action has been insisted on by a worried public following news that a pensioner on the 15b bus in Dublin was the latest to die from a wet willy attack. The 85-year-old’s attacker eagerly placed his finger in her ear only for the bus to hit a ramp, when the attacker looked up his entire arm had gone through to the other side and out the opposite ear.

An online campaign featuring a number of very minor celebrities has been put up online in the hope of bringing an end to this resurgent craze. The video ‘Yo don’t be silly, never wet willy’ has been viewed by 57 people so far.

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