Your ‘Suarez Ban’ Questions Answered

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There seems to be a lot of confusion as to the exact details of the ban handed down to Uruguay and Liverpool’s Luis Suarez by FIFA. Suarez is banned from ALL footballing activity for biting Italian defender Chiellini. WWN is here to clarify the details as we have been busy pouring over our copy of FIFA’s judgement:

How will the ban be enforced?

Luis Suarez will be taken by FIFA’s security team later today to their World Cup headquarters. The striker’s feet will then be slowly lowered into a vat of wet cement, thus encasing them in concrete preventing him from partaking in any football activity.

What if someone kicks a ball at him?

Unfortunately for Suarez this counts as ‘footballing activity’ as stated in FIFA’s judgement. If angry Liverpool fans were to lunge at the striker with a corner flag or throw a water bottle in his direction the ban would be extended to a lifetime ban.

Is he allowed to wear football jerseys?

No, he is not. Likewise, his copy of FIFA 2014 has been confiscated. Security personnel have already raided his houses in Liverpool and Montevideo and removed all football related items.

What if I don’t think the ban was severe enough?

Fans who do not think the ban was severe enough have been advised to take to social media to share their opinions with one another. FIFA’s official statement specifically warns against murder.

What can Liverpool FC do?

Right now FIFA’s advice is to lie down in the foetal position and have someone spoon feed ice cream to the club. Fans themselves have been told to find the nearest object and throw it violently while shouting ‘it isn’t fair’ as many times as it takes until the anger subsides.

Can Suarez be transferred?

Yes, he can. But he will be required to switch exclusively to a vegetarian diet and have his teeth removed. Barcelona and Real Madrid are believed to be willing to pay all dental costs.

Could FIFA be bribed to reduce the ban in any way?

Yes.

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