‘There’s Obviously Been Some Mistake’ Nation Tells Best Country In The World Survey
Ireland has today been placed first in the ‘Good Country’ index making it the greatest nation on the earth. Other countries may mistakenly believe the news is cause for celebration, however, the majority of the Irish population have politely insisted there has obviousy been some mistake.
The index, which ranked Ireland ahead of every other country on the planet, did so measuring our contribution to culture, science, health, war and peace, trade, censorship and humankind in general.
“Ah, it’s a lovely gesture, honestly, it is. And don’t get me wrong, we appreciate it, but someone has made a right balls of that survey thing,” Sarah Moran, an event manager from Clare explained to international media who have descended on Ireland since the news was first reported.
Similarly, Brian Dobson struggled to maintain his composure as he read out the related news item on the RTÉ News at 1.
“Ireland is the best country in the… No, sorry I can’t,” Dobson said live on air before bursting into uncontrollable laughter, “one of the jobbridge lads hasn’t even done the most basic research. I can spot a hoax story a mile off,” he added before simply ripping up the news report.
Taoiseach Enda Kenny responded to reporters seeking comment on the good news in a defensive manner as he left Leinster House.
“Good Country? You trying to flog me the best of Garth Brooks or something?” the Taoiseach initially repsonded, obviously confused by the rabble.
“No, you’ve got the wrong man, I’m Enda Kenny, the leader of Ireland, I think you’re looking for Barack, he’s the American fella,” the Taoiseach was then heard telling the assembled media.
He became further irratated as journalists tried to explain the outcome of the Good Country index. “Ha ha, yes, very funny, have a laugh at old Enda. But seriously, have you nothing better to be doing than playing cruel tricks on me. If Ireland is no.1 I’ll resign and slip Gerry Adams the tongue,” he added, now from the safety of the Taoiseach’s car.
While the news will no doubt provide a positive boost to the country, many have urged others to keep celebrations to a minimum.
“Ah, they didn’t fall for that ‘Ireland Inspires’ shite, did they? I say make them count it up again or whatever it is they do, before making it official like,” said Dublin publican Trevor Grimes.
“Ah go away out of that, Jesus, they wouldn’t be saying that if they caught sight of my kitchen at the moment, the state of it. In fairness now, though someone should get fired for producing that awful heap of shite that calls itself an index,” suggested Carmel Rodgers, a homeless woman from Dublin’s inner city.
In related news Cork has rushed to take most of the credit for Ireland’s Good Country performance.