Dad With Zero Cooking Skills Insists On Manning BBQ


THERE was high drama in Carlow yesterday as a husband refused to surrender control of the grill during a family barbeque, despite having no cooking experience whatsoever.

As tensions rose amid the searing heat of Ireland’s annual heat wave, hungry members of the Hughes household had no other choice than to stand back and allow family patriarch Brian Hughes to have full reign over the charcoal grill, which Mr. Hughes had dubbed “the beast”.

The 46-year-old architect proceeded to accept no advice from his wife as he set about cooking his first ever meal for his family, consisting of well-done burgers and medium-rare chicken legs. As his wife and three children waited patiently for “the beast” to ignite, Mr. Hughes treated the warm Carrigduff countryside to a wide variety of inventive swear words.

In her victim impact statement, Mr. Hughes wife Barbara described how her husband became incensed at allegations that the coals weren’t hot enough, and how he went ahead with the meal insisting that he was the chef and should be left alone to cook.

“He was wearing his apron that says ‘I Am The One Who Cooks’, so he was king of the grill” said Barbara Hughes, the woman who earlier in the day had gone to the butchers, selected the meats, prepared the marinades from scratch, basted the chicken, made potato salad, couscous salad, salad, pasta salad, egg mayonnaise, fresh bread, chips, wedges, chicken wings, and who will later clean up after the meal.

“Once he has that apron on and a beer in his hand, wild horses couldn’t get him away from that grill. I tried to get him to sit down and let me take over, but he got very stroppy and wouldn’t let any of us near him until he had finished cremating the meal several hours later”.

As Mr. Hughes returned to work this morning, his wife was tending to the stomach upsets of her three children, who remain in a critical but stable condition.