Teens Wanking In The Shower To Cost Parents Hundreds Every Year

YESTERDAY saw the Department of the Environment unveil provisional figures of annual water costs, with the price of an average shower estimated at 25c.

Parents of teenagers are today expressing concern over the fact that these figures do no factor in the extra time caused by masturbation during showering, which is set to push household bills up considerably.

The shower has long been a popular place for pubescents to practice and enjoy a bout of sexual self-gratification, safe in the knowledge that they are free from sudden interruption by their parents or siblings. As such, a teenage boy can spend up to six times the average duration with the water running, which is set to drive up costs on their already cash-strapped family.

“We always knew the water charges would be a heavy blow, but this is seriously worrying” said Owen Hand, spokesperson for protest group Parents of Wanking Teens Against Showering Charges (POWTASC).

“The government has announced an allowance of 30,000 litres per person, and 38,000 litres per child. But what they haven’t taken into account is the amount of time that young men spend pulling themselves in the shower. They can spend nearly an hour in the shower; they’re young, so they can recharge quickly and pull the wire off themselves three or four times in a row. As such, there must be an added allowance for parents of teenagers”.

Owen went on to express concern that as teenagers become more adept at pleasing themselves, they will only drive the cost up more.

New masturbation techniques such as bagpiping, door jamming, grouting the footpath, the art attack, whistle-blowing, godfathering, green zoning, angering the pigeon, and Titanicking will add considerably to the amount of time spent flushing money down the shower drain.