Calls For Government Intervention As Giant Rats Kill 7th Child This Week
A distraught and angry Irish public have appealed to the Government to devise a plan to tackle the growing number of massive fucking rats causing havoc throughout the country.
The phenomenon of giant rat sightings is not exclusive to Ireland as a number of other European nations have had issues with the large rodents too. Ireland, however, is the only nation to date that has had reports of giant rats targeting children and killing them.
“My observances might be entirely based on conjecture, but it is very clear these giant rats have an insatiable desire for the flesh of human children,” shared rat enthusiast Niall Gormley, who is also a veteran of a variety of internet comment sections.
While the media was initially quite slow in urging the public into a state of mass hysteria, the death of a 7th child this week has seen a more concentrated effort from the press.
Some media outlets have speculated that giant rats may have giant brains too, making them far more intelligent than had been first speculated.
The latest victim of the giant rat epidemic was poor innocent, 9-year-old Danny Mahon, who tragically died choking on an Easter egg.
“While we agree its madness that young Danny was eating his egg before Sunday, we have received fresh evidence that suggests that a giant rat had perhaps forced Danny into eating too much, too fast which resulted in his untimely and tragic passing,” shared Garda Inspector Eamon Dowling.
Further information reached WWN, which points to a grand conspiracy involving giant rats. Financial expert James Clifton explains.
“Well, I don’t know how to explain this really, a cabal of giant rats have gotten together and are trying to drive up the price of property in Ireland, they won’t stop until they have destabilised the fragile economy.”
While these rats are intending to murder and bankrupt the nation, there has also been some unintended consequences of their appearance on Irish shores.
“A great number of Irish women have made themselves deaf from the high pitched screaming they engage in when they think they have seen a giant rat,” explained Dr. Ruth Oliver, “we’ve had 43 cases this week alone. We would urge everyone to refrain from shrieking like a banshee whenever they hear a floorboard creak. The screaming is on average 32 decibels louder than when a woman receives a surprise proposal or when they see a spider.”