WWN Horoscopes

Welcome to WWN’s weekly look at what the planets have in store for you. Keep up to date with all your astronomy needs every Monday. For previous entries see waterfordwhispersnews.com/category/horoscopes/

Aries March 21 – April 19

You can’t understand why you’re so unhappy, and that’s okay. However, Saturn’s ascension above Virgo’s moon won’t make it any clearer.

Taurus April 20 – May 20

Variety is the spice of life and that’s why you have 5 children by 5 different men. All you need now to collect the set in an Asian baby. Got to catch them all!

Gemini May 21 – June 20

This week you will inexplicably begin speaking in an English accent during a job interview in an effort to appear intelligent. Don’t worry, they’ll fire you soon enough.

Cancer June 21 – July 22

A return to education is on the cards as you can’t even read this, can you?

Leo July 23 – August 22

I don’t think I’ve been much help recently. Please accept my apology, which comes in the form of next week’s lotto numbers which are 8, 12, 19, 27, 31 and 39.

Virgo August 23 – September 22

What doesn’t ‘Virgo’ rhyme with? ‘Being arrested for drunkenly exposing yourself in the chipper at 3am’ that’s what.

Libra September 23 – October 22

The moon is in ascension. Still in ascension. There it is ascending. Look, ascending away to itself. Fascinating. Ascension that is, not your life – your life is very boring.

Scorpio October 23 – November 21

For a change everything is going to go your way this week. No, seriously, it will. You’ll find a 50 euro note on the way to work. Ass on tap. Even that threesome with Jenny and Laura you always dream about. Oh, but you still have Cancer. That’s not going anywhere. Well, that’s not entirely true – it’s spreading.

Sagittarius November 22 – December 21

This week you are in conflict with Taurus, which means you will talk to someone, about something, regarding a certain subject matter. You’re welcome.

Capricorn December 22 – January 19

Oh, you’re a Capricorn? My ex-husband is a Capricorn. You know you are a real piece of shit sometimes!

Aquarius January 20 – February 18

This is the dawning of the Age of Aquarius. The Age of Aquarius. Aquarius! Aquarius!

Pisces February 19 – March 20

Mary from across the road will pop in looking to borrow some sugar. That’s about as exciting as it gets.