Aries March 21 – April 19
This is the winter of your discontent.
Taurus April 20 – May 20
You’ve never thought much of working alone in a lighthouse for long periods of time before, but suddenly all your friends and family seem to think you’d be perfect for the job.
Gemini May 21 – June 20
Big issues require extra attention today, and you should find that selling them outside the post office on dole day pays ten fold what you make at the car-park pay-station on the quays.
Cancer June 21 – July 22
It’ll take consulting everyone you know but yes, you can really pull off that denim jumpsuit.
Leo July 23 – August 22
The film ‘Redneck Virgins 3’ will bring a whole new meaning to the song lyrics ‘sisters are doing it for them selves’ this week.
Virgo August 23 – September 22
This would be a very good time to tick the donor box on your driving licence and passport.
Libra September 23 – October 22
You thought your new iPhone and its 200,000 applications could do everything but love you, so its declaration of devotion will come as quite a shock to you this weekend.
Scorpio October 23 – November 21
You need to let your friends and coworkers know that you’re no doormat — but it’s hard! Especially as your ‘Welcome’ tattoo is size 97 bold Ariel font and smack bang middle of your forehead.
Sagittarius November 22 – December 21
I’m not wearing any pants either.
Capricorn December 22 – January 19
You used to think there’s no such thing as bad publicity, but that was before you saw your new nickname and criminal profile in the Sunday world this weekend.
Aquarius January 20 – February 18
You’ll learn a life long lesson about physical violence outside Abrakebabra this week—specifically, what can happen when you’re drunk and not very good at it.
Pisces February 19 – March 20
Jesus saves, unfortunately for you and your seven a side team, he’ll turn up next Thursday in goal for the opposition.