Vatican Makes Bid For Rangers FC


THE VATICAN has made a dramatic bid to buy Rangers FC debt in return for a total conversion to Catholicism and a 100% share in future earnings.

Senior members of the Holy See travelled to Glasgow last night for talks with owner Craig Whyte and other members of the 140 year-old football club.

Sources told WWN today that pope Benedict has laid down strict guidelines for the take-over, including:

  • A total conversion to Catholicism for all players, staff and supporters
  • Ticket/entry gates at Ibrox will be replaced with confessionals, were each supporter will have to confess their sins on entry
  • Holy water fountains to be installed in all public toilets at the ground
  • Genuflecting before entering Ibrox is compulsory
  • Statues of the virgin Mary will replace corner flags
  • All sponsorship will come from the Vatican, thus replacing sponsorship logos with the sacred heart picture of Jesus
  • Supporters and players must say a decade of the rosary, in unison, before each game
  • Random kneeling, standing and sitting suggestions will be sent via the large LCD Screen during the game
  • No game shall be played in Ibrox without a pitch blessing from the newly appointed ‘Bishop of Rangers’
  • Rangers players can ONLY drink Holy Water during the game

It was announced this morning that the Vatican may take over the club before the season is out, leaving some supporters slightly confused and agitated.

Rangers fans have already bit the bullet and converted on-line via a new website launched by the Vatican called

“I really don know wha’ ta say pal!” said one supporter.

“It’s bin Rangers all da way for me since I’s a wee one.”

“This conversion thang is doin’ ma’ ed in. I niver bin ta confession in ma life!!”

However, thousands of die-hard

It is estimated the total cost of the debt is in the region of €50m, or the inequivalent of four months donations from the newly converted Rangers fans.