Medical Advice You’ll Need Before Telling Your Dad Record Number Of Migrants Elected To Councils


RIGHT NOW you’re pacing up and down the hallway after reading on news apps that the 2024 local elections have seen a record number of candidates from migrant backgrounds being elected to council seats across Ireland, and you can’t quite bring yourself to tell your dad.

If you’re concerned the news could be the end of him, here’s some essential medical advice which we’ve taken from Google so you know it can trusted:

A sudden rise in blood pressure, bursting every vessel in his ever reddening head? Fret not simply, and immediately, reduce his salt intake, his alcohol intake and if he’s overweight sort that out ASAP with an on-the-spot F45 class!

Is he white as a sheet? Feeling dizzy? Get him to lie down. He could be suffering from anemia so ram an iron rich non-halal steak down his throat. Get him hooked up to an IV drip to counteract the dehydration brought on by the vote drought suffered by the vast majority of candidates who ran on a ‘get them out’ platform.

If the news that migrants want to serve their communities and help improve things for those living in the area has you feeling like your dad could have a stroke, then take him to a hospital not staffed by anyone from a migrant background. Tell the frustrated ambulance crew you’ll pay for the petrol, just keep driving until they find one.

Has he begun babbling incoherently? Is he sweating, his behaviour ever more erratic? Distract him and return him to a sense of calm by placing the comment sections of Facebook and Twitter directly into his eyeballs.

None of this working? Claim he must have misheard you, and that you in fact said ‘no, mi-GRANT from the council, it arrived. For what? For eh, for developing a petrol bomb which makes it easier to burn down premises earmarked for housing international protection applicants, yeah that’s it’.

Crisis averted.