“A Lot Undone, More To Undo” Farage Announces He’s Not Finished Destroying The UK

MAKING A SHOCK reentry into UK electoral politics, human black hole Nigel Farage has confirmed there is still more of the UK for him to engulf and obliterate in his new role as leader of the Reform Party.

“With a weakened Tory party looking like they’ve fallen out of love with ceaselessly beating up the disadvantaged and hoodwinking the hollow heads, there’s never been a better time for old Nige to make more money off hate,” confirmed head of Nigel Farage ego-massaging, Nigel Farage.

“When I was a laughing stock of an MEP I managed to plunge a hole the size of Wales in the sinking dinghy of the British economy by helping win Brexit, imagine the damage I could do with some actual power,” Farage said as he was surrounded by excited fans who were begging for him to autograph a pile of raw effluent ear marked for pouring into the British sea.

“What better way to measure precisely the damage done to the education system under 14 years of Tory rule than by totting up all the votes the Reform Party get?” ventured Farage, as hundreds of journalists crowded the leader of a party that has just 1% of the 800 council seats the UK’s Green Party has.

Unveiling his plan for the future of the UK, Farage came close to tears.

“I see the coal sodden faces of 6-year-old chimney sweeps saying ‘thanks to you Nigel, I can earn an honest crust’. The only black people are house servants who never speak, it’s not illegal to say God Save the Queen, Gary Glitter is no.1 in the charts and the NHS is owned by my pals and a pint of bitter is tuppence. Dream with me”.