Gardaí To Trial ‘First Punch Is Free’ Offer While Providing Security To Taoiseach


“THE IRISH secret service is so secret they’re not able to provide security for the Taoiseach,” confirmed a garda spokesperson who said they can’t give a timeline for how long their ‘ah sure it’s only the Taoiseach, do what you like’ policing trial will last.

“Could go on longer than ‘it’s only a bit of xenophobic fueled arson’ or ‘every bike in Dublin is free if you have bolt cutters’ policing measures. But c’mon, you don’t want to lose what’s great about Ireland. We’re a small connected island, you wouldn’t get Bible babbling lunatics chasing Joe Biden up the street as he’s trying to eat an ice cream,” added the spokesperson.

Sadly too late to officially qualify for the Irish Olympic relay team, Taoiseach Simon Harris displayed incredible pace as he spent much of his time on a canvas in Mayo on the run from the family of Ireland’s patron saint for chronic eejitry, Enoch Burke.

While a local doctor in Mayo would not divulge the private information of any patient he treated he confirmed one man sought his help after waking up in a sweat from a new and horrific recurring nightmare in which he was an ice cream cone being chased and licked by the Burke family.

Elsewhere, feathers considerably ruffled and cursing the fact a good day’s canvassing was ruined by being harangued by the Burke family, Taoiseach Harris comforted himself with the fact at least no one was talking about homeless figures surpassing 14,000 for the first time in the history of the State several days before local elections.