Trump Not Sure Which Trial This Is But He’s Not Guilty

CONVICTED FELON Donald Trump has vowed to appeal the guilty verdict in whatever trial this is, stating that he is innocent of whatever he has been accused of this time, WWN can reveal.

“This is the sexual assault one? Oh right yeah we did that one already? So this isn’t the trying to overturn the Georgia election results one? Okay, well, I’m not guilty. Persecuted like other famous innocent men, OJ, the bad man in A Few Good Men, my good friend Hannibal Lecter,” Trump said to reporters outside the New York court house which is now technically his official residence.

Fearing the 34 guilty verdicts reached by the jury, which has seen Trump win the popular vote for the first time, could mean jail time, a fist fight has broken out among senior Republicans over who gets to pose as Trump in prison and serve his sentence for him.

“The only thing I’m guilty of is of being incredibly innocent. I’m as innocent as my search terms on Pornhub. Wait, is this the Windows 11 trial? They said it was free! Is this the January 6th thing? I can’t keep up you guys are charging me more than a Tesla that doesn’t work,” continued Trump.

Elsewhere, Fox News reporters have confirmed the man they’ve spent the last four years claiming has dementia and can’t function, Joe Biden, is in fact the genius behind this diabolical plot to force Trump to falsify his business records to disguise the fact he paid hush money to a porn star he cheated on his wife Ivanka with.