Simon Harris Set To Become Ireland’s First Haunted Doll Taoiseach


THE Irish haunted doll community is expected to celebrate one of their own today as Simon Harris is set to become the first haunted doll Taoiseach in the history of the State.

Created from a curse over 37-years ago, the once wooden Harris was summoned by a coven of cackling witches on top of Killiney Hill using black magic and human sacrifice before being handed over to the Harris family to raise in Greystones where he grew up to learn the dark arts of the Lord Lucifer and eventually becoming an Irish politician.

“I remember the banshee cries when he was manifested like it was yesterday,” recalls local witch Tina Flynn, who helped sacrifice a young virgin in a bid to spawn the now Taoiseach in October ’86, “we knew then his destiny was to become ruler of the land and the eventual anti-Christ”.

Witches at the time prophesised Harris’ rise using ‘a new medium’, with the letters ‘TT’ appearing as a birth mark behind the ear of the young, haunted doll.

“From hazel wood to flesh, the beast will rise to the sound of the clock, going tick tok, tick tok,” a witch’s rhyme read out loud during the satanic sermon which spawned the young Harris child almost four decades ago.

Despite his inability to shake his wooden demeanour, the Satan-flanked Harris quickly rose up the ranks to become leader of Fine Gael last week and, if he continues on his current rapid ascent in the corridors of power, he is expected to eventually become destroyer of worlds by the time he’s 50.