A Politician’s Guide To Writing A Pathetic, Weasel-Worded Statement On Israel Murdering Aid Workers

IT’S A weekday ending in a ‘y’ so that must mean the IDF has committed at least one heinous crime that, were it committed by Russia, would see the implementation of sanctions, the expulsion of diplomats, freezing of assets and a dozen other measures.

If you’re a politician it’s right about now your team of advisors should be penning a carefully worded statement which gives the impression you’re condemning and criticising, but most importantly, heavily implying Israel can just keep on doing what it is doing because there will be no consequences.

This may be your first time producing a pathetic, weasel-worded statement, so here’s some tips WWN got from a politician because let’s face it, this won’t be the last one you’ll have to issue:

‘Outrageous and unacceptable’ – sounds dangerously like you’re done with the brazen murder of medics, journalists, aid workers, the whole lot, which is why you need to add this little guy afterwards:

‘If, after a thorough and lengthy investigation, the full facts reveal there was premeditation’ – phew, you were nearly unequivocally stating that killing aid workers is something that should be immediately carry significant cost to the perpetrators and result in Israel becoming a pariah state.

Next up: ‘This cannot go on’*

*yes, it can and will because your statement isn’t even entertaining the idea that a country with an army that has killed more journalists than died in World War II in just 6 months is worthy of sanctions.

‘Contravenes all laws relating to combat and engagement in a war’ – just repeat your old friend ‘must be investigated’ and bingo, breaking laws doesn’t have to come at the risk of you trying to do anything about it but to an idiot, it’ll sound like you’re really vexed.

‘I will be bringing this up at the next sitting of [insert toothless international body which has no powers to compel Israel to do anything]’ – wow that sounds super serious, and yet, means nothing.

‘This is an unforgivable act’ – careful, you don’t want to include this because that implies you might suspend arm sales to Israel or cease trading with them.

‘Israel has not done enough to protect civilians’ – it sounds like a condemnation, but when it’s issued nearly 7 months after the beginning of an attempted genocide, the words will sound exactly as hollow and consequence-free as you want them to.