Five Euro Pints Are To Local Man What Bathwater Is To Barry Keoghan In ‘Saltburn’


ONE LOCAL Dublin man has confirmed that his obsessive all-consuming desire for five euro pints is only comparable to the love Barry Keoghan’s character in Saltburn showed to some bathwater.

“That slurping sound is universal man, I’m telling ya. I crave a boozer with the sly fiver pint the way yer man in Saltburn loves to consume a bit of jizzy bathwater,” explained pint-haver Jack O’Brien to speechless friends who have now been put off their dinner and all future meals.

Not a common sight in Dublin, O’Brien admits he has to venture outside his home county to have any chance of availing of the now near mythic five euro pint.

“Fiver pints are so rare these days, when you see your chance, much like Oliver in Saltburn, you’ve got to take it, go whole hog. Slurp like you’ve never slurped before, jaysus I’m losing myself just thinking about the creamy five euro head on those pints, yum” continued O’Brien, despite everyone within a 10-mile radius begging him to stop.

“Don’t get me wrong, I’m not aroused by fiver pints but when one of them comes calling you’ve got to leap into that pint like it’s a quickly draining bathtub containing the post-masturbatory watery love juice of the lad you’re mildly obsessed with,” added O’Brien, sinking his lips into a freshly poured pint.

Retching friends suppressing their vomit have asked O’Brien why he couldn’t just say cheaper pints are nice, like a normal person.