Things Country Folk Living In A City Will Never Get Used To

RECENT census information suggests the significant migration of people within Ireland and a steady stream of people leaving rural townlands and villages for city life.

However, such moves are never easy and it can take time to adjust to new surroundings. Here’s what our resident culchie Cormac O’Nalley lists as the things that you can never get used to:

City folk’s only way to achieve orgasm is by telling you they’ve never heard of your village.

The noise. Back home it’s the gentle call of a pheasant, in Dublin or Cork it’s the unmistakable screams of a local who is having their eyes pecked out by a seagull who has stolen their weekly shop.

They actually live like this. And what’s worse is they’re proud of it. What they think passes for ‘road frontage’? Ridiculous.

Two poached eggs on toast somehow costing the equivalent of the total GDP of a small Eastern European nation.

They remain oblivious to ‘Operation Bootcut Jeans’. They’ll never see it coming. The fools.

Some places don’t accept cash. And no matter how many times you repeat ‘money is money at the end of the day’, they’re not for turning.

If enough of us marry them, their weak urban bloodline will be thinned out and before they know it their children’s DNA will be 80% bacon and cabbage. Only then can we make bootcut jeans the national dress of Ireland.

A warm wave of acknowledgement, a nod of the head. That shit gets the guards called on you up in Dublin. City heathens.

Your generation might not be around to see ‘Operation Bootcut’ come to fruition but think of what joy it will bring to know you are part of the reason the ploughing championships will take place in Stephen’s Green in 2050.

Nobody leans on a gate or a wall and chats about the weather. There’s no other reason gates and walls were built.