Split Condom Celebrates 18th Birthday

A SPLIT condom is the centre of attention today as it celebrates its 18th birthday, surrounded by friends and family.

“God, time flies,” confirmed mother Deirdre Kelly, who can’t believe it’s been about 18 years and 4 month since she beat her husband Mark Kelly around the head with her purse when she discovered she was pregnant.

“I wasn’t sure at the time when I took it off after a quickie, it was my birthday I think but I suspected it had a rip in it, and judging by our Sean blowing out his candles here, it has been confirmed beyond all doubt that the condom definitely split,” explained Mark.

Aunts, uncles and grandparents have been praised for their ability not to bring up the fact they all have distinct memories of Deirdre and Mark explicitly stating ‘I don’t know how we’re going to afford another one’ and ‘fuck sake’.

“For he’s a jolly good fellow,” the room full of the split condom’s closest and most beloved people sang out of tune, raising an alcoholic drink to signify the condom was now old enough to legally drink.

“Look at it there, looks so different from when we first threw it in the bin in the bathroom,” said Deirdre and Mark as they embraced and became misty eyed.