Local Man Not Interested In Solutions To Social Deprivation Only Extreme Punishment


A PASSIONATE advocate of snuffing out all and any anti-social behaviour, petty crime and serious offences that shame the nation, local man Graham Lally wants you to shut up talking about constructive solutions and just let him proclaim his vivid dreams of exacting heinous revenge.

“Cry me a river, sure they’d only set fire to whatever amenity you build them, they’d set fire to any additional social workers you hire too. We need to focus on beating them black and blue, that’ll teach ’em,” explained Lally, of a method he believes works for everything from spitting in public to heckling.

Contributing factors that feed into a lack of opportunities for young people from disadvantaged areas interest Lally in the same way he’d be interest in having his scrotum ironed before they are sanded down, the 54-year-old was at pains to explain everyone these days foolishly pursues the softly softly approach.

“Booooooring! But c’mere, I was thinking we could bring back a medieval torture device called the Pear of Anguish for any kid I don’t like the look of that’s standing outside a shop minding their own business,” offered Lally of a device which obliterates genitals.

Further monopolising the conversation at an event entitled ‘building better communities in our city’ and attended by community workers and advocates, Lally remained wedded to his approach in the face of ridiculous input from people with decades of direct experience.

“Mark my words, you put all people in Northface jackets in prison, and crime in the city would be over in a flash. It’s always worked that way. Please, can I be a judge? 40 year sentences for vaping while on an e-scooter and having a working class accent. These are sensible solutions people!”