Celebrities Share Their New Year’s Resolutions


EARTH’S leading lights were kind enough to share their New Year’s resolutions with WWN and we’re delighted to be able to share them with you, the filthy members of the public who aren’t good enough to be used as toilet paper by any of them:

“To be your Daddy of course you sick, sick puppy” – Pedro Pascal

“To get your granny to finally pronounce my name correctly!” – Dua Lipa

“Hey, do you think I can use pepper spray as mouthwash?” – Kanye West

“No old sport, you’re confused 1924 already happened and let me tell you it was a great year. Remember like it was yesterday” – Joe Biden

“This year I’m taking another beloved child’s toy to the big screen in ‘Golliwog: The Movie'” – Margot Robbie

“Spend more time on the internet. Post more memes, I’ve got so many locked and loaded and ready to go which are increasingly racist and antisemitic, so they should make losing $1.5bn in advertising revenue in 2023 look like child’s play” – Elon Musk

“I spent a lot of this year digging open graves, now in 2024 I’m just waiting for people to bring up my private jet use” – Taylor Swift

“I won’t burn out the car of any women who accuse me of assault, my fawning IQ-deficient fans however are a different story!” – Conor McGregor

“A nice trip to the Hague” – Benjamin Netanyahu

“No I don’t want to say, you’ll think I’m silly… oh okay, fine, creating an authoritarian ethno-fascist state” – Donald Trump

“Padam padam’s success was fun in 2023 and for 2024? Well… I am eternal. The passage of time means nothing to me. You might not be alive decades from now but your great-grandchildren will live through my 15th metamorphosis as a pop goddess” – Kylie Minogue

“To marry one of the weird basement dwelling incels in their 40s who lust after me on the internet” – Jenna Ortega

“I’ve always been told if you say your resolution out loud it’ll never come true, but I’ve never personally bulldozed a Palestinian home” – Ursula von der Leyen

“Not to mention a United Ireland every five seconds… shit, back to square one” – Mary Lou McDonald

“Micheál says I’m being too unrealistic but building one social house” – Leo Varadkar