First Relaxing Death Metal Spa Opens In Finland

HAVE YOU ever tried a spa experience and found it hard to unwind due to the irritating sound of pan pipes playing cover versions of Ed Sheeran songs? Well then a new spa experience in Finland, the first of its kind, might be perfect for you.

“I just always hated spas due to the lack of people spitting on each other and screaming, throwing stray elbows like they’re in a mosh pit, it’s like these mindfulness experts didn’t know the first thing about letting all the stress leave your body,” explained Death Metal Spa founder Jussi Mäkinen.

Borrowing some elements from tried and tested spa retreats such as essential oils, massages and saunas, Mäkinen has tailored his Death Metal Spa to have a constant ear-shattering soundtrack featuring Cannibal Corpse, Napalm Death and Fleshgod Apocalypse.

“See, don’t you feel more relaxed,” Mäkinen asked this journalist as he vacated his bowels due to the forceful propulsive sound of Sepultura blasted into my ears from speakers mounted to the side of our jacuzzi.

“Here is our dedicated room for smashing beer bottles on your head in a deranged fashion, try that once and you’ll never go back. It’s like a thousand massages and therapy sessions rolled into one,” Mäkinen added.

“And here’s our guided meditation room, which practices the mindfulness art that is tattooing yourself, you don’t know relaxed until you swig on this bottle of vodka and just let go our your ego and write Hate Hate on your knuckles”.

Prices at Death Metal Spa start at €350-per night but shitting yourself in the jacuzzi is free.