Futurewatch: Conor McGregor’s First 24 Hours As President
FLIRTING with the idea of running for the largely ceremonial role of president, what would an Ireland under the rule of serial court attender Conor McGregor look like?
Using state of the art technology, WWN peers into future to reveal the decisions president McGregor would make in his first 24 hours:
Blanchardstown district court is moved to McGregor’s back garden so his commute is reduced.
New law; to be eligible to serve in McGregor’s government you must copy your new president and regularly socialising with a senior member of the Kinahan cartel in the Black Forge.
Everyone is forced to take an ‘Irish patriot’s exam’. You must, like McGregor, answer ‘yes’ to the questions ‘did I triple the rents on a property I own, forcing an Irish family-run business operating for over 70 years out of business?’.
All drug sniffer dogs at airports made redundant.
Nationalises all eateries in Ireland, placing them under his control. Converted into a chain called ‘Ireland Is Full’, Supreme Leader McGregor only serves patriotic Irish meals such as Guinness stew protein shakes.
However, they immediately shut down as the low-paid staff from immigrant backgrounds have all been deported.
To ensure the safety of Irish women, which is definitely a concern of his, a selection of the best looking women are forced to stay with the president in Áras an Uachtaráin.
Signs a historic €2bn deal with a Dubai based Irish manufacturing consortium to provide the Áras an Uachtaráin with a month’s supply of talcum powder.
Amnesty declared for anyone who burns out the car out of an individual who has accused McGregor of sexual abuse.
In a bid to undo the hellish path Ireland was on toward a progressive and secular society, president McGregor demands Irish people once again embrace religion and God. Worries are quickly dispelled though as McGregor confirms it’s the type of religious devotion that has loopholes; such as cheating on your missus.
Bans Artem Lobov from entering Ireland again for making McGregor admit in court he promised to pay Lobov $1mn for his involvement in the Notorious whiskey brand.
New law that states when president McGregor gets his hole licked by Elon Musk on Twitter, it doesn’t count as gay.