“Why None Of This Is Our Fault” By Drew Harris & Helen McEntee

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FEELING like they have been subjected to undue and unfair criticism, Garda Commissioner Drew Harris and Minister for Justice Helen McEntee want to set the record straight.

Waterford Whispers News has allowed the pair to engage in a free-flowing, stream-of-consciousness style of defence and blame-a-thon which will see them fully absolve themselves of any responsibility for policing and justice matters:

“It’s unfair, in such tragic circumstances, to try and blame a political party that isn’t Sinn Féin” – Helen McEntee

“Getting rid of an ineffective Garda Commissioner is exactly what the looters would want” – Drew Harris

“People say they could see something like this happening months ago, well, last time I checked seeing into the future is witch craft and punished by burning at the stake” – HM

“Actually, I watched a documentary last night, Minority Report, which will allow us to see crimes of the future and arrest the perpetrators” – DH

“I think criticism of people like Conor McGregor is valid, how long has he been Justice Minister anyway? Not doing a great job is he? No, I’m Minister for Just Is, I’m just here to shrug my shoulders” – HM

“The Public Order Unit have my full support now that my lack of support for them has resulted in me having to pretend like I’ve always had their back. Tasers anyone? There’s one for everyone in the audience” – DH

“People bring up the fact only a minority of deportation orders get enforced like it’s my job or some-oh, it is?” – HM

“People say garda number are down and that I’m trying to disguise this fact but who needs new recruits when locals in Leitrim are kindly establishing checkpoints to check if anyone is an asylum seeker” – DH

“Can I interest anyone is an attempt to blame this on Twitter for failing to take down tweets? What about the distraction of a demented councillor in Limerick calling for looters to be shot?” – HM

“If given the full backing of the Minister, it is my solemn pledge to bring these louts to justice, I am of course talking about the Garda Representative Association; it should be illegal for them to hand me my arse in the media this many times” – DH

“Oh, but if I held up a picture of a homeless person in the Dáil and basically said ‘homeless = dangerous’ I’d be ridiculed but when Sinn Féin do it they’re… oh, they’re being ridiculed? Okay, fair.” – HM

“Just don’t go into Dublin City, jeez, do I have to spell it out for you?” – DH

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