9 In 10 Irish People In Apocalyptic Post-Punk Trad Bands

A RECENT SURVEY estimates that the vast majority of Irish people are now in doomladen modern trad bands at the vanguard of the alternative music scene which is the toast of the international music press, WWN can reveal.

“At any given time, 9 in 10 Irish people are on a deserted beach or in a hovel of a pub taking moody band pictures,” explained a researcher involved in the survey.

“One man surveyed happened to be tapping on a bin while waiting for a bus only to be given a five star album review in The Guardian and ‘Best New Album’ by Pitchfork,” added the researcher.

The resurgence in traditional music combined with the eerie, haunting horror you only get when you have the mother of all hangovers is so prevalent that many people wake up in the morning assigned a band and instrument to play.

“It might sound like a fiddle and uilleann pipes being thrown down the stares for 7 minutes straight but it’s actually a lament about our lost traditions and common tongue,” explained Eimíle Ní Drisceoil, of the band Smál Dúigh.

“Years ago I would have had these lads here in front of you dancing like eejits on the Late Late, but now I have them waffling on about how the collective Irish trauma from the Famine informs their new Ska-Trad-Rap-Metal song called ‘Them Cunting Brits’ in a 10,000-word profile in the New York Times,” said Louis Walsh who, having realised there was money to be made, has put together 49 new trad groups in the last hour.

Sadly this news has seen a 150% in lads at parties thinking everybody wants to here their 3am rendition of Dirty Old Town.