Ben Dunne To Be Buried In Large Brown Envelope

THE FUNERAL details of recently deceased business tycoon, payer of politicians and cocaine-and-prostitute-bender-in-Florida aficionado, Ben Dunne, are beginning to emerge.

Dunne is to buried in a bespoke custom-made brown envelope which is believed to be a replica of the envelopes he used to give former Taoiseach Charles Haughey €1.8mn and more than €500,000 in payments to build an extension on Michael Lowry’s house.

Fianna Fáil paid tribute to the businessman, stating “Mr Dunne always delivered brown envelopes to Charlie full to the brim and on time, he will be missed greatly”.

Elsewhere, older Sinn Féin members fondly recalled spending a treasured week with Dunne in the early 1980s which they described as “sort of like a wellness retreat”.

Dunne’s funeral plot will contain recycled environmentally friendly pulp made up of shredded Ansbacher accounts imported from the Cayman Islands.

“I think it is disgusting and disrespectful to reduce someone’s life to brown envelopes and tawdry details. What some people might not realise is there was so much more to the man, he was also the businessman who suspended a 21-year-old Dunnes worker Mary Manning and her 12 colleagues who refused to handle goods imported from apartheid-era South Africa and kept them out of work for 3 years,” confirmed one Dunne fan, mourning the end of an era and the loss of old Irish traditions such as rampant corruption.

Elsewhere, it is estimated the death of Ben Dunne will see the loss of millions in advertising revenue for radio stations who carried ads for his gyms.