Building Homes On Flood Plains Doesn’t Stop Floods, Finds Groundbreaking Report

“MAD! Now that we see the words written down on paper you can’t unsee it,” exclaimed a spokesperson for the Department of Housing and local councils today following a new groundbreaking report which found that building houses on flood plains doesn’t actually stop floods.

“It actually makes floods worse, who’d have thought?” voiced another member of Bord Pleanála, reading the brief one-page document which simply said, ‘stop building shit on flood plains, you fucking morons’.

The welcome, but untimely report was no consolation to hundreds of business owners and residents of several towns and villages across the country which were badly damaged during an orange rain warning over the past week.

“We’ve been shouting exactly what this report found at the government for the past 20 years,” one Midleton shop owner with no insurance because Ireland said.

However, the displacement of natural flood plains due to poor planning and the construction of vast developments on top of an increasingly warmer and volatile climate was rubbished by one local man in Waterford yesterday afternoon.

Neck-high in bright brown flood water in his local pub, conspiracy nut Jamie Keegan insisted the floods were all part of nature, pointing to what he says is an elitist global agenda: “relax, everything is fine, they just want you to believe it’s your fault so they can control… “, Keegan’s last words were interrupted before being swept out the door and into the ever-rising river Suir.