Israeli Ambassador Orders Air Strikes On Phoenix Park

“PHOENIX PARK, Castleknock, Ashtown and the surrounding areas are legitimate targets, the fact President Higgins uses them as human shields is not our fault,” confirmed Israeli ambassador to Ireland Dana Erlich, defending her government’s decision to flatten Dublin after official member of Hamas (according to the Israeli government) Michael D. Higgins continues to criticise war crimes.

The IDF dropped leaflets on the area surrounding Áras an Uachtaráin this morning telling residents they had generously been given 12 minutes to ‘fuck off to somewhere, I dunno, Tallaght?’ or be considered legitimate targets for precision targeted bombs which always seem to end up hitting hospitals, schools, places of worship and aid missions.

“We cannot simply bomb Áras an Uachtaráin only. The Irish people clearly support this misinformation spreader. They fawn over his dogs, do you know who else loved dogs? Hitler. The Irish people read books to their children about Higgins, it’s sick the ideology they openly align themselves with,” explained one IDF official.

“I’m not saying St James hospital won’t be there tomorrow but I am saying we will claim Michael D. Higgins got a flu jab there once and therefore it is a terrorism command centre,” added the official.

Raising the potential damage such a bombing campaign could do to the US ambassador’s residence in Phoenix Park, the IDF explained that if the Israeli Air Force can bomb a US Navy ship killing 34 crew members and see no repercussions then what difference would one ambassador make.

UPDATE: In a piece of news no satirical news outlet could make up the deputy head of the Israeli mission in Dublin has accused Ireland of funding Hamas’ network of underground tunnels in Gaza.