Army Called In As Homeless Man Spotted Eyeing Up Vacant Property


CLONMEL town centre was closed off this morning as a standoff between the Irish army and a homeless man who was reportedly caught looking into the window of one of the many vacant properties in the area, WWN has learned.

Threatening to sleep rough in the property to escape what he claims is ‘cold and wet weather’, snipers took to the roofs of nearby buildings – also vacant – to make sure the man doesn’t do anything stupid.

“I’ve got a clear shot, chief; ready to engage,” one sniper was heard over several radio units, his voice echoing out into the once bustling town which has now diminished into what can only be described as a modern-day ghost town, one of dozens in rural Ireland.

“I just need somewhere to sleep, I’ve nowhere to go!” the crazed man shouted, striking fear into the hearts of the soldiers now manning the perimeter of a shopping district once called Market Place.

“Step away from the vacant property,” an order was given via megaphone, before correcting, “no, sorry, not that vacant property, the other… ah, wait, they’re all… look, just fuck away from the entire street, will ya? That’s some investment fund’s asset and we need to protect it even though they’re not paying any taxes or rates”.

Now standing down as the threat to vacant property prices left the area, some army recruits looked on in envy at the pristine condition of the vacant units compared to the accommodation on their own army barrack.

“I wouldn’t blame him for trying,” concluded one soldier.