Dublin Surges Past Gotham City In Global Crime Rankings


IT MUST BE a weekday because Dublin City is making the news for all the wrong reasons once again, this time climbing the international crime rankings and overtaking one of the most notorious crime-infested cities in the world.

“Gotham? We’re higher than the place where a deluded clown rigged two boats up to explode? For feck sake,” said one Dublin man, moments before having his bike, wallet and wife stolen.

The judging criteria used in the annual report includes ‘response time’ with Dublin performing more poorly than Gotham despite the use of a giant bat signal in the sky being needed to get anything done in the American city.

The rise up the rankings will also see a change in the way people convey how unsafe an area or location is.

“Dublin is now top 5 in most unsafe cities which means there’s people in Baghdad throwing around the ‘it’s like downtown O’Connell St in here’ expression anytime things get violent,” explained a crime expert.

With a ‘Temple Bar tattoo’ being widely used as slang for a nasty scar in cities around the world, Dublin is set to remain above Gotham for a number of years and become a byword for a brooding cityscape full of sinister elements.

“Ah come off it, they have lads going around calling themselves Two-Face, The Riddler and mad shit like that,” said one exasperated Dubliner, forgetting he lives one estate over from the Dublin home of The Monk.