Man Grows Moustache In Effort To Further Repulse Women


FEELING he doesn’t register as suitably creepy to the opposite sex, local college student Niall Cannon has made the ill-advised decision to grow a moustache.

“I just felt not enough women were recoiling when they first set their eyes on me so I decided to adopt the look of the serial killer peeping Tom from a 1980s horror movie,” confirmed the 22-year-old, who carries around a moustache comb with him at all times further solidifying his ‘danger, do not approach’ look.

“Too many times I found myself sitting down on a bus and people didn’t actively switch seats so I knew something had to be done,” added Cannon now caressing his snot mop.

“I don’t want anyone to get the wrong impression I’m not growing a mullet out ‘cus I saw Paul Mescal with one and thought it was cool. This moustache is my one-way ticket to a life of celibacy, the thinner and patchier the better. If it looks greasier than an oil slick in a sweat factory I’ll be happy”.

Cannon isn’t the only Irish man growing out the creepy caterpillar perched above his mouth as many more seek to instill in women a general feeling of great unease at their mere presence.

“I call mine the clit tickler,” said another man, who was automatically added to all the registers.