Fukushima Beach Given Irish Blue Flag

FOLLOWING the news that the waters surrounding the doomed Fukushima nuclear plant our to be flooded with wastewater from the contaminated structure the beach closest to the plant has been downgraded to the status of an Irish blue flag beach.

“That murky discharge settling in the waters, the unmistakable stench, the skin falling away from swimmers to reveal their blood vessels and bones? It’s the quintessential hallmarks of a top Irish beach,” confirmed one Irish beach assessor who was flown in to grade Fukushima strand.

“While it doesn’t have the usual collection of head the balls you’d find at a Tramore or Bundoran, give it a few years of toxic exposure and they’ll certainly begin looking like those hideous Godforsaken creatures,” the assessor said, referencing the hordes of toxic Dubliners who leak out of the capital and corrode seaside towns.

The move to pour the wastewater from the nuclear facility into the Pacific ocean has led China to ban all Japanese fish exports.

“China is onto something, when we visit an Irish beach we tell the kids they can’t step on it, touch anything or go near the water for fear they’ll grow a second head,” remarked one Irish parent, who can’t trust Tramore’s waters after it was revealed the council pours bleach into the sea.

“To be awarded Irish blue flag status is a great shame on Fukushima and Japan, it is our darkest day. Oh no look, the radioactivity is already destroying people who dare swim,” confirmed one Japanese official, who had actually just caught sight of a topless and sunburned Irish tourist.