“If Only This Free Money Stuff Happened The Night Drugs Were Accidentally Legalised”


A LOCAL cute hoor opportunist and self-confessed mad bastard is today lamenting the fact that the infamous Bank of Ireland glitch had not occurred years earlier in 2015 and directly coincided with the day Ireland legalised the entire alphabet of drugs.

“Could you imagine the gaff parties?” said Waterford man Eoinie Kelly, his eyes growing misty at the mere thought.

Quick, easy and 100% free, no consequences cash falling out of ATMs on the very day the 1977 Misuse of Drugs Act was found unconstitutional by the Irish Court of Appeal would, asserts Kelly, have been the single greatest day in recorded human history.

“I’ve always wanted to see what the human body’s limits are, how many k-holes in one day would I be capable of? Could I do more lines than the Complete Collection of Shakespeare’s Sonnets? Do more crystal than the House of Waterford Crystal gift shop. These are the things we all dream of obviously but we rarely have the €1000 plus burning a hole in our pockets,” said Kelly, fresh from sending ‘could ye imagine though?’ texts into all 24 separate WhatsApp groups he is in which relates to sessions.

Kelly concedes he could still buy large quantities of drugs in 2023 but felt the need to point out the additional buzz and hilarity of it all being legal in 2015 could not to topped.

“You used to hear auld lads saying when the Vietnam War, the fall of the Berlin Wall or the Troubles was happening they knew they were living through history. I didn’t know that feeling until I was on the phone to my dealer while in the queue for the ATM last night, mad”.