BOI Warns Money Withdrawn During IT Blunder Will Self Destruct At 6PM

EMERGENCY services across the country have been put on high alert today after the Bank of Ireland issued a nationwide self-destruct warning on all cash withdrawn during an IT glitch last night.

Thousands of people are in danger of being incinerated at 6pm this evening if they do not return whatever cash they extracted from BOI ATMs over the last 24 hours, a spokesbanker confirmed.

“You’ll be lit up like an effigy on a Unionist bonfire if you continue to hold onto to our cash,” insisted the BOI, “we will engage the self-destruct button at exactly 6 o’clock this evening so best return it now or may God have mercy on your arse pockets”.

The bank revealed they’re also tracking the money and know where every single bank note has gone.

“We understand many people have already exchanged our money for goods or services and we want you to know you’ll be held legally responsible for any damage caused by your blatant disregard for the monetary system.

With that news, bars across Ireland have already reportedly run out of beer, while drug dealers are pleading for people to stop asking them for gear as it’s all gone.

“You’ve bought everything we have, so please stop calling and texting us – we’ve nothing left,” one local dealer begged.