A List Of Things Gardaí Would Rush To Protect Instead Of The Irish Public


THOUSANDS of Irish people woke up to the news today that shouting ‘help! I’m an ATM’ is the most effective way to ensure gardaí rush to the scene of whatever crime you are the victim of.

Bank Of Ireland’s decision to put a 98-year-old tech-illiterate Amish man’s older brother in charge of its IT infrastructure led to a glitch allowing people to withdraw money from their accounts even if their balance was at zero, leading to gardaí being placed at ATMs around the country.

Such scenes confirmed once again that the gardaí will be used to rush to protect a lengthy list of things before serving the public, including:


Obviously. However, important to note if you are robbed seconds after withdrawing cash from an ATM you are on your own.


Evictions of the legal and illegal variety are a private civil matter between two parties even if one party has hired balaclava clad men to get violent, which is completely different to directly intervening over a private bank’s tech glitch which is not a civil matter, apparently.

Phone lines

It’s better to drop 999 calls from victims of domestic abuse than have the lines getting jammed up.

Weirdos abusing library staff

C’mon now, people entering a library to scream ‘pedos’ deserve to have guards act as personal bodyguards. See also: burning down buildings earmarked for accommodating asylum seekers.

An Garda Síochána’s reputation

You can’t listen to that whistleblower. Not because you have poor hearing but because they’ve been sufficiently intimidated into silence.

Judges, politicians, a friend

Can someone fail a breathalyzer test if no one is there to take it?

Water meters

Is there a more innocent and defenseless thing in existence than the vulnerable, recently installed water meter?

Shannon Airport

You’d hardly expect the US Army capable of defending themselves against an octogenarian peace activist holding up a sign?

US Presidents

There won’t be a fart unsniffed by the guards if a US president kindly graces the nation with his presence.