“We Should Put Every Dublin Teenager In A Gulag, Except My Joshua, He’s Perfect”


Waterford Whispers News’ resident contrarian and opinion columnist Anne Trope has her say on a lawless Dublin, and the drastic wholesale measures that need to be imposed on everyone except her Joshua.

“The time for handling Dublin City’s feral teenagers with kids gloves is over. The second you assault a non-Deliveroo driver and actually harm someone of value (a tourist) you should be legally tried as a sex pest serial killer, or better yet, a garlic importer who owes money to Revenue.

Those who regularly read this column know I’m never one to generalise but every single Dublin youth needs to be rounded up, except for my Joshua who is an exemplary example to any young man aspiring to achieve something with their life.

He would never assault anyone, but were Joshua to carry out an attack like those done by the Canada Goose mafia I would ensure he had the sort of legal representation that, combined with family connections in the guards, would see the relevant CCTV footage deleted. He has his whole life ahead of him but it’s the gulag for the rest of them who are, let’s face it, genetically predisposed to crime.

And throw their parents in too while you’re at it. And their grandparents. Stop their dole. God, why do I feel so good all of a sudden. Make them work for free picking up litter. Don’t stop now Anne, you’re nearly there. Daub a scarlet ‘S’ on their council house which is being confiscated from them anyway to denote ‘scumbag’. Oh, oh, oh… I need a cigarette.

Where was I? While I never frequent the parts of Dublin City I have recommended for nuclear strike, the time to stop listening to good two shoes woke social workers has arrived. Listen instead to the opinion a columnist who works to a tight weekly deadline and always needs something to be outraged about.

These feral animals feel like there’s no consequences for their actions, unlike my Joshua who endured the hell of not being able to drive my Range Rover for two weeks last summer after the drink driving incident.

A closed mind is not open to growing so we must pour the weed killer that is the gulag on the Northside crime hot spots of Tallaght and Firhouse, and not forget that the Southside is not immune, just look at East Wall. Let’s act before it gets so bad we can’t hit the Brown Thomas sales without armed guard.”