Man’s Finger Expertly Trained To Hit ‘No Tip’ On Card Machine Within 0.0003 Of A Second


ONE DUBLIN man’s body is evolving at a rapid rate in response to the developments in the payment options presented by cafes and pubs, WWN has learned.

25-year-old Peter Kenny’s pin-code index finger on his right hand now operates entirely independently of his body when it comes to declining the tip menu options on retail payment consoles.

“I don’t even notice, but my finger is able to identify the ‘no tip’ option in under 0.0003 of a second, bypassing the 25%, 20%, 15% and 10% options which comes in handy when I’m just trying to buy a bottle of fucking water,” explained Kenny.

Paying for take away items or settling up bills of €5 or less has become more difficult in recent times thanks to retail staff angling the card machine in a customer’s direction while pretending not to notice they have presented an option to tip for providing the labour intensive service of allowing for conactless payment.

“By all means, when I’m sitting down and having a meal, the tip screen will get no argument from me but for a coffee on the go? Old indexy here has my back,” Kenny said of his finger, which instinctively jabbed this journalist’s eye, mistaking my face for a contactless payment device.

While some businesses have yet to transition to the more modern machines it is believed it is only a matter of time before all retails staff will be staring daggers out you as your trembling finger chickens out of pressing ‘no tip’ and lands on the 10% button.

Meanwhile, the Irish Society for Counting Down The Days Until Next Pay Day has asked bar staff since when did pulling a pint require a tip menu option on card payments.