Local Woman Records Wettest July On Record


METEOROLOGISTS have confirmed that while much of Europe experiences 40 degree plus heatwaves, Dublin woman Leah Curley has experienced the wettest July since records began.

“Following a significant period of drought in May and June and for much of her of early 20s, there has been a flood of recent activity,” explained Met Éireann’s Deirdre O’Waldron, who confirmed the conditions for a record deluge were achieved despite downpours only starting 10 days ago.

“It was a perfect storm of activity; the dirty weekend which had come from a westerly direction in the form of an American tourist was followed by a storm of drunken texts to an ex which resulted in damp conditions back at his place”.

“Then a weather warning was issued for flash floods after Curley was finally with someone who actually knows what they’re at,” added O’Waldron, outlining the phenomenon known as ‘Leah’s friend Sarah’s friend from work Jack with the six-pack’.

Parts of Curley were submerged after a spell of thundering orgasms, with housemates issued with a Scream Warning which carries advice to either leave the house or get ear plugs.

Outbreaks of shit-eating grins were reported whenever Curley strolled in the morning after the night before or made an appearance in the sitting room, leading housemates to declare ‘the lucky bitch’.

“It’s important for anyone experiencing the wettest July on record to remain hydrated and pee directly after intercourse and make necessary journeys to top up on contraceptive,” confirmed O’Waldron reporting from directly outside Curley’s bedroom.